Friday, December 19, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Trying to be impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Labels: Jokes

Friday, December 12, 2008

Joke of the Day...

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Credits: www.funtasticus.com

Labels: Jokes

Friday, December 05, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Funeral Procession

One day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.” Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

“Can I borrow your dog?”

“Get in line,” replied the man.

Labels: Jokes

Friday, November 28, 2008

Joke of the Day...

A woman goes into a bar with a little chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk.

The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog.

The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, November 14, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

“You can't land on the sun, you idiot!" the Russian said. “You'll burn up!”

“We're not stupid, you know,” the blonde replied. “We're going at night!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, November 07, 2008

Joke of the Day...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says: ” Licence and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says: “What for?”

Glasgow cop says: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow cop says: “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says: “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Glasgow cop says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,

“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, October 31, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Blonde Joke in an All-Blonde Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
“No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, October 24, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Strange Postcard

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. A short while later, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without. Need more sauce”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, October 17, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Golden Urinal

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. “Where have you been?” she screams. “It’s 4 in the morning!”

He says, “Aw, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink… but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men’s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals… Man, it was wonderful.”

“I don’t believe that story for one goddamn minute,” his wife said. “What was this place called?”

“Hell,” he replies, “I can’t remember… I got too drunk, and I forgot.”

“You’re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I’m going to divorce you!” she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under “Bars,” but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he’ll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He’s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

“Here,” the man says, handing the phone to his wife. “Ask this bartender if I’m lying!”

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night: the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. Finally, she says, “Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals. Do you?”

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, “Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, October 10, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Three Kicks

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, October 03, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Life at work is good

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, September 26, 2008

Joke of the Day...

A bus carrying a mathematician, a poet and a retard crashed into a tree, killing all 3 of them.

They are about to enter Heaven when they are stopped by the Devil before the Pearly gates. The Devil told them. "Shoot me any question you desire and i will let you pass if i fail to answer. If not, you will rot in hell forever!"

The poet ask the Devil the most different literature question ever. The Devil simply clicked his fingers and 10 greatest poet of all time appeared and answer the question flawlessly. And down went the poet.

The mathematician ask the most complicated maths question ever. The Devil again clicked his fingers and a whole table full of mathematics reference books appeared. After a while, the Devil solved the question perfectly and down went the mathematician.

The retard first requested for a chair with many holes on it. Than he sat down on it and let out a loud fart. Than he asked the Devil which hole did the fart passed through.

The Devil thought for a while, before hesitantly replying, "The 7th hole?"

"No. From my arsehole"

Labels: Jokes

Friday, September 19, 2008

Joke of the Day...

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Labels: Jokes

Friday, September 12, 2008

Joke of the Day...

One for the Ladies

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, September 05, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Natural Disasters

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?

Labels: Jokes

Friday, August 29, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Bad Habits

A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, August 22, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Gold Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, August 15, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Blonde Tailgating

One day, a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a blonde in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stopped his truck and walked over to the car, which had also stopped and said, “Hey, lady, if you don’t stop tailgating me, I’m going to bust up your car.”

He got back in truck and drove away.

A little while later he looked in his rearview mirror, and saw the blonde tailgating him again. So he stopped his truck, got out, and walked over to the car, saying, “Hey lady, stop tailgating me, or I’ll bust up your car.”

So he got back in his truck and drove away.

A little while later he looked in his rearview mirror, and once again the blonde was tailgating him. So he stopped his truck, walked over to the car, and said, “Lady, get out.”

So the blonde stepped out of her car, and the truck driver drew a circle on the roadside, saying, “Now don’t step out of that circle.”

He proceeded to bust up the blonde’s car, smashing the windshields and windows.

And the blonde started laughing.

The truck driver ripped out the seats, and busted all the tires.

And the blonde kept laughing.

He took a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounded in the frame, ripped out the steering wheel, cut the brake lines, etc, until the car was completely totaled.

And the blonde was still laughing.

The truck driver walked over to the blonde, and said, “Lady, I just completely totaled your car, and you’re still laughing. What is so funny?”

The blonde replied, giggling, “I stepped out the circle and you didn’t see me!!!”

Labels: Jokes

Friday, August 08, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Labels: Jokes

Friday, August 01, 2008

Joke of the Day...

Three men were trekking in a tropical jungle when they were captured by the natives belonging to a carnivorous tribe.

After much pleading and stuff, the chief agreed to let them go on the following condition.

"Go inside the jungle and find any fruit. Gather ten of them back here. If i can stuff all these 10 up your arsehole, I will let you go"

The men did as they were told.

The first man returned with 10 mangoes. By the 3rd mango, he could not take it anymore and was eaten.

The second man returned with 10 longans. He hang in there and things were going okay until the 8th longan, when he begin to start laughing and no more longan could be stuffed in anymore. So he too was eaten.

Over at Heaven, the first man asked why the second man laugh when he could have just hang in there a little more and be freed.

The second man replied, "I saw the third man coming back and he was carrying durians!"

Labels: Jokes